Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
