Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
