but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
