The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
