Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
