Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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