Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
