Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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