Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
