ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
