i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
