found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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