Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
