My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
