just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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