I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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