As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
