At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
