He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
