no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
