we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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