Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
