so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
