i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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