Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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