Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
