note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
