Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
