We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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