You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
