so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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