I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she peed on how many people?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
