I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
