I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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