When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
