just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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