I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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