Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
