So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
