She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
