There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Those nachos came to me in a dream
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
