we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize