I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
