i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
We smell like vodka and hangover
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