im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
