FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
