Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
