tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize