at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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