At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
