standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
