Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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