First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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