OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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