Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
