I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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