Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
