Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
