Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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