What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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