i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
